Whether or not you believe in life after death, you probably want to leave a good image of yourself the day you cry. You would like everything to go smoothly, for everyone to keep a good memory of your little face and even for us to regret your departure a little (it always pleases the ego of people who cry). It’s stupid, because you probably won’t be able to see it from where you are, but you still want to leave in style. For the principle, what. So you don’t want these things to happen:
1. Who cares?
The worst that can happen to you is that your departure is done in the most total indifference. Let your own mother say to herself: “Oh, Julie? Well, she had to die one day, huh, what do you want me to tell you? » That your friends just think: “Well, that way we don’t have to look for a birthday present.” » Or that your banker throws a: “Damn, he hadn’t finished repaying his loan. » And at the same time, your banker will surely think so. He’s a banker. He is not endowed with feelings.
2. Have a minstrel publicly read your Tinder messages.
Everyone would then notice that you were extremely embarrassing when you flirted and that most of your conversations ended in a big fat ghosting of your crush. Your parents, your old teachers and all your friends would watch this embarrassing spectacle wishing they had never known you.
3. Play the video of the shameful accident that caused your death over and over again
A giant screen would broadcast from all angles, slowed down to support, this moment when, wanting to grab a new roll of PQ, you made the shelf above your head collapse. Everything would be commented on by Grégoire Margotton and Bixente Lizarazu.
4. Have your Facebook profile picture from 2012 chosen to announce your death and put on your coffin
Yes, exactly, the one where you had a huge lock on your forehead and where you gave the finger of honor in the direction of the photographer to play the rebels. Shame.
5. That we give your body to science and that science refuses because it does not see what we could save but thank you
It’s pretty humiliating, but it wouldn’t have happened if your diet hadn’t been mostly 3-meat tacos and beer.
6. Have goth teenagers come to your grave
Damn young people… (Yes, once dead, you’ll be a little reactive, don’t worry, it’s normal).
7. Only playing songs you hate at your funeral
And that at the time of Connemara Lakes, everyone starts making a circle around your coffin. you said “especially not Sardou” brothel…
8. That you realize that religions weren’t bullshit and that there’s a guy with a whole file on you waiting for you to know where to send you
If you had known, you might have thought twice about putting firecrackers in Madame Martin’s chicken coop. It’s stupid, with 5 points, you were going to Heaven.
9. Have your image reused in a disgraceful ad for Monsanto, or worse, Futuroscope
And people only talk about you saying « le mec de Monstanto ». Including your loved ones.
10. That your funeral is canceled for lack of public
Even your parents couldn’t make themselves available for the date because they were already invited to a barbecue at Christelle and Philippe’s. We don’t cancel a barbecue like that.
11. Let your enemy settle with your husband/wife
And that you learn that he is a much better shot than you have ever been, especially because he knows how to realize the position of the Hungarian fan, something you have always been unable to do.
12. May reincarnation be true and you come back as a mosquito
But with your human conscience. Hyper sucks.
13. That there is a confusion with your DNA linked to a dark case of pedophilia and that all your memory is dirty
All because of a clumsy intern at the analytics lab. Like what life has to do with few things. Finally, death.
14. That your lifelong crush admits that he/she was also in love with you
And that you had only one word to say so that he/she left everything for you. Not a word in particular like “shoe” or “operculum” no, any word would have done the trick.
15. That the hearse driver is also an Uber delivery man to make ends meet and that kebabs with Andalusian sauce spill into your coffin
Your body will forever smell of onion and frying. Your spirit also in the hereafter.
16. May your heirs guiltlessly throw away the stuff you left them
In particular this superb collection of pebbles in the shape of the faces of celebrities. The one who vaguely resembled Laurent Ruquier certainly did not deserve to end up in the trash.
17. That you become a ghost and you fuck up everyone when you just wanted to say hello
Unfortunately, when you want to say: “So how have you been, buddy lately?” »all we would hear is: « OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHH » or “I’m going to taste you with condiments such as Espelette pepper”. Nothing very reassuring, then.
18. Have your ashes thrown in the “Frozen” section of a Carrefour Market
Right in front of “microwave cooking” fries. Everything but not that.
19. Have your coffin slip during the ceremony and kill someone else who would steal the show from you.
Someone prettier, funnier, and cooler than you. It’s not difficult at the same time.
20. That the only coffin available at the Undertakers is the tuning version with neon lights and flames on the sides
It’s not really the last memory you wanted to leave, but we don’t always have what we want in life. Nor in death.