Every week a new news on the TPMP program arrives in the media and every week people are surprised that it is still a scandal. We could easily accuse Cyril Hanouna of making a fuss of it to make the buzz or the columnists of saying shocking things to increase the ratings but no, the real problem is the guests who do not know how to behave and respect the rules induced in this show. In order to stop the massacre, we will see together the things to respect when you are invited to Baba’s so that you can finally stop the bullshit.
1. Say “Baba” in the first degree
You saw it in the intro, I wrote “Baba” without bleeding from the ass and being totally first degree. More than a nickname, it’s a real guru’s name, because Hanouna him he went to see the advice to set up his own sect and it worked rather well, so respect his name and his person, if he is there where he is is that he is a genius.
2. Accept being told “shut up” or “honey”
Depending on whether your answers please Baba, he may choose to give you an affective nickname such as “my darling”, “my little beauty” or “my crate”, but if you have disrespected his omnipotence or his friends my mother’s life, you’re screwed. He will get angry, tell you “shut up” and in two seconds the room manager will motivate the audience to scream “you’re going out, you’re going out”. Too much shame.
3. Not talking about Bolloré
When you’re invited to someone’s house you don’t start saying “yeah, Nadine, your tajine, it stinks and the decor is really rotten at your place, it’s like being in the metro”, well, it’s the same here. You are invited to Hanouna of course, but on the Bolloré channel, a respectable, handsome, Breton and honorable man. There are only good reasons to love Vincent Bolloré so if it’s not to say unkind things don’t even try.
4. Agree to have pasta stuffed in your briefs for fun
One might think that this fate is reserved for columnists, but no, basically it was a guest that we had to stuff pasta into the briefs, but he had the choice between that or stuffing it himself into the panties. Delormeau briefs. It’s not impossible that the next time, we don’t leave the choice to the guest and that he must agree to be the turkey of this really super funny farce.
5. Having to listen to people give their opinion hoping to be able to place two or three promo sentences on his latest film
You are invited to promote the last shit in which you played or your last album, but at TPMP we don’t care, we don’t necessarily let you talk about your thing but we will rather seek to create situations of discomfort which can get people talking in the newspapers. Be patient, you may be able to place one.
6. Getting petted when you’re a girl (but it’s okay, it’s not harassment, you have to have a sense of humor)
Yes, then if you are groped at Hanouna it’s only for fun, the same when he guides your hand on his crotch because your eyes are closed. It’s okay, it’s jokes in fact you have to laugh, people use the words harassment and aggression too often these days.
7. Laugh when we are made to believe that we are complicit in murder
It’s one of Cyril Hanouna’s moments of grace, the moment he made Delormeau believe that he had killed someone and that he should tell no one, making him an accomplice. Basically he wanted to believe it for a week but we told him “yeah it might be a bit too much”, too bad the joke would have been even funnier. Delormeau not at all humorous he did not appreciate the joke.
8. Be kind to all guests, even rape defendants and terrorist buddies
Baba he wants to go to the heart of the info, to collect testimonies that no one dares to have. He is to news journalism what Bernard Henry Lévy is to war reporters, an insatiable pioneer. Suddenly he tries to receive Jawad the landlord, Kim Kardashian’s burglar or people accused of rape like his friend Jean-Luc Lahaye who had been too funny by telling Enora Malagré that he wanted to spank him.
9. Respond to very elaborate debates like “for or against the Jews” with small yes or no signs
TPMP has become over the years a deep program where we can touch the finger of increasingly sharp societal debates. The idea is not to argue either, we shouldn’t realize that some columnists only have eight words of vocabulary learned in front of Marseille against the rest of the world, so we give them a “yes” or “no” sign and they vote to answer questions like “should we help the sinking migrant boat or do nothing? or “Should we restore the death penalty and take justice into our own hands? “.
10. Giving up your dignity
Well in fact, we had to start there, if we decide to give up our dignity as soon as we set foot on the set, you can’t imagine how much we laugh. Because all the sexist, homophobic or shocking gestures and remarks that take place on the set are JUST JOKES FOR LAUGHTER (and to gain ratings). Inevitably, if it doesn’t make you laugh when people make fun of you or talk about your sister who has just died, you had to go to The big bookstore or in It’s up to you.
11. Accept being interrupted at each of your sentences by Hanouna who tells us “we here don’t interrupt everyone says what they want”
If at some point we have dared to talk about a subject that Baba does not like, he makes it understood by cutting the floor directly to say “here we do not cut the floor you say what you want my darling” then he goes on directly by calling someone randomly on the phone to make them believe that their mother died, all for fun. But don’t insist, people shouldn’t start to understand that you can’t really say everything on your set.
12. Agree to talk about a subject that has nothing to do with the reason for which you are invited
It is not because we are invited that we will be able to talk about what was planned at the base. Take the example of Sophie Tapie who wanted to talk about her album and to whom we rather “proposed” to talk about her father who died three days earlier, well, here’s what she thought, that people had really taken the time to listen his work and were going to talk about it? It’s not France Inter ici.
13. Agree to find yourself potentially involved in a bad buzz because we criticized something that Baba likes
You’re there, everything’s going well, we’re laughing and you start saying “yeah, on the other hand, turtlenecks I think it stinks” and Baba starts insulting you in three different languages with terms you don’t understand. not by punctuating his insults with “no but I love you motherfucker, but shut up, but I really love you”. You should never rush Baba, just say nothing in fact, he leaves at the quarter turn, but nothing to do with coke on the other hand. Besides, never talk to him about coke, he becomes crazy.
14. Never say you know someone at CSA
It would be very stupid of you, it would be like saying that you are a vegetarian and that we should prohibit the hunting of a dozen hunters that you have just met in the middle of the forest. Do you want to die or what? Never talk about the CSA except to insult them because Baba he has already had more fines with them than my father since he got the driver’s license.
15. Have big audience record parties even if they are based on very creepy news items
That’s the best time, when you have a big party to celebrate audience records like those related to the debate on the murder of little Lola. Some gossips will say that it’s indecent and that it takes a lack of race quite high on the scale of human putery but no, it’s just joy caused by good performance at work, all that there is more normal.