Ruptures are like sauces for pasta: there are several types. Ok, I’m very bad at making comparisons, but very good at relationships (I’ve already kissed my dog), so I’m going to explain all the types of breakups that exist. Get ready to relive highlights from your own personal story. Feel free to tag your ex in the comments, especially if he or she left with your 4K TV.
1. The one where we stay friends
And where we meet again to play petanque, drink tea or smoke crack.
2. The one where we meet again just for ken
There’s no sentiment involved, but we can still check in on mom because we still have a lot of respect for each other.
3. The one where we hate each other
In this dirty break, we tear each other apart and take back the gifts we had given each other. Even dummies. Just for principle.
4. The one where we ghost ourselves as if we had never known each other
As if we had never experienced anything together. Like we haven’t slept in the same bed for years. As if we had never gone to see Welcome to the Ch’tis preview together.
5. The one where we didn’t really warn each other
We stopped seeing each other overnight and we met again at Fnac six months later, a DVD of Patrick Bruel’s last live in hand.
6. The one where we have to see each other every week to pass on the kids
We hate each other, but we make a good figure for the well-being of little Timéo, already very disturbed by the divorce (he regularly wears his underpants on his head).
7. The one where there is only one he knows he broke up but not the other
This breakup is too embarrassing. Even more embarrassing than a live performance by Patrick Bruel.
8. The one where we break up and get back together every 5 days
It’s boring for all your friends but you love drama too much to stop this infernal and toxic cycle.
9. The one that isn’t really over and leads to a reunion two months later
And after that it lasts for life. Or just a few more months.
10. The one that starts with a “break”
A ““““break”””” with lots of quotes because we all know that your relationship will never recover. Especially since she already loves another. His name is Patrick and he plays music.
11. The one where one of the two cheated on the other
We realize this by searching the phone of the other and discovering text messages from a certain Patrick who sends little red hearts and gives appointments on the Place des grands hommes.
12. The one that happened at the worst time
In the 3rd Goudurix loop, during a CRS charge or at your great-uncle’s funeral.
13. The one that is done in front of the altar
Under the dumbfounded gaze of the priest who will eventually release a “Anyway, I didn’t really believe in those two, did I, Jéjé? » (turning to Jesus).
14. The Breakup That Changes Nothing
You continue to live together, you sleep together and you are together all the time, but when you are asked, you are separated.
15. The one that didn’t really happen because you thought you weren’t really in a relationship
We still know that you cry alone at night so don’t be smart either.