Top 12 questions you should never ask, it’s best to shut up

In life, there are things not to say. Like “The tuna juice is delicious”, “the neighbor is buried under the shed, if you’re looking for him” or old phrases that young people can no longer hear. But you can also add to your list those absurd/horrible/awkward questions that no one, I mean no one, has ever wanted to answer. So take that out of your vocabulary now.

1. “Why are you single?”

I would like to know too, I made a Google Form that I sent to my exes to find out what had sinned in the relationship, but I never got an answer. I’ll update you when the investigation progresses.

2. “Have you noticed that you have white hair?”

But not your mouth???? I have a mirror which returns the image in black and white at home, I had not seen!!! Fiou, hey, luckily I can count on your sense of observation, huh!

3. “When did you gain all that weight?”

Surely when we lost contact, I regained a taste for life and I ate a lot of cakes to celebrate that. Lots of cakes, it was a big party.

4. “What’s the worst thing you’ve seen as a firefighter/nurse/policewoman…?”

So technically, if they are people with a difficult job, the worst thing they have seen in their lives is most certainly very difficult too, even traumatic. So there is little chance that they really want to tell such a story. So next time shut up, thank you.

5. “You’re a little shy, aren’t you?”

No, I usually do pure tomato juice shots and twerk on the heaters, but I just feel a little restrained by your presence, that’s all. Maybe it’s because you’re a Lion, well I’m saying that, I’m not saying anything.

6. “Are you really depressed?”

No, I water my pillow with tears every night for the sheer pleasure of thinking about the lack of purpose in my life. Just to get people’s attention you know.

7. “Do you have your period?”

Yeah and there’s a way my uterus is going down so don’t be surprised if I’m a little pissed off, it has nothing to do with you being dumb, just the pain.

8. “So am I better than your ex or not?”

If you want an honest answer, no: you snore like the backhoe from the construction site around the corner and you eat your compotes with a fork. You can’t be better than my ex, but you’re here and you’re doing the job, it’s already good. I wasn’t very demanding at the start anyway.

9. “When are you going to give us grandchildren?”

It depends, when do we put you in EPHAD? Your biological clock is ticking, huh…

10. “Are you in it yet?”

?????????????? Yes damn, you want to offend me?????

11. “When is the baby due?”

Stop it right away Jean-Christophe, I just ate too much pasta in the canteen! Yes, I like farfalles a little too much.

12. “What happened to you?”

Between us, if we’re not friends enough for me to tell you about myself the crazy things I just went through, it’s because I don’t really want to satisfy your unhealthy curiosity. But I’ll send you my auto-biography in preview if you want!

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