Top 10 tips for becoming a survivalist, for sucking rocks and eating leaves

Do you know survivalism? This is the principle of preparing as well as possible for an apocalyptic catastrophe and it concerns for the moment a few illuminated rather rare vanguards. However, what if they were ultimately right? Imagine that a real disaster is coming and that the most trained and prepared are the only ones to survive? Not to mention the big rich who have underground shelters with food and swimming pools of course, but since you are not part of this category we will give you advice on becoming a survivalist.

1. Learn to build a shelter

To be a survivalist is above all to succeed in living everywhere. To achieve this you must be able to build yourself a hut with three pieces of wood, dried shit and the remains of a deer that you stumbled upon in the early morning. Follow the diagram below to build a home worthy of the finest palaces.


2. Hunt for food

Living in nature means finding food easily, and if knowing the fruits and plants that you can eat is the most useful, the funniest part is still bumping into cute animals, there has to be a little fun in it. live alone in the woods like a creepy hermit.


3. Dress like a soldier

People who dress in military fatigues in real life look a bit stupid, it’s true, but when you’re a survivalist it’s borderline THE trendy outfit for the big Met Gala in the forest. It allows you to blend in with the decor but also to let the skin breathe and let the sweat escape. A trendy and practical outfit, what more could you ask for.


4. Learn to make fire with next to nothing

In the wild it’s cold, it’s raining, it smells like deer shit, and there are super weird creatures like tapirs that can carrot your socks off. In order to warm you up and keep those crap tapirs away, you have to know how to make a fire with two pebbles, a piece of wood and two raven feathers, which is boring. We advise you instead to carry around with a full jerrycan of gasoline with you at all times.


5. Buy guns and bullets

Who says survival says defense and hunting, and who says defense and hunting says big guns of men who can deter gooseberry thieves or stop a running buffalo. Obtain these weapons without further delay, preferably large weapons that will compensate for a complex buried deep within your being.


6. Protect your habitat

Living in nature means exposing yourself to hundreds of dangers, in order to be able to sleep on your two toes you will have to protect your habitat with elaborate traps. Put wooden spikes around your camp and wolf traps under dead leaves. On the other hand, identify your own traps well, you shouldn’t find yourself screwed over because of that. Coat the walls of your cabin with skunks, they can repel anything with their stinky smell.


7. Learn to have fun on your own

Becoming a survivalist means above all turning your back on your family, friends and all your loved ones: in nature you will be alone and to support all that it is better to learn to have fun alone. Take a game of Uno and make yourself a little companion out of wood and earwax that you will call Gilles or Alfredo.


8. Know everything about nature

Nature will quickly become your supermarket, you will have to do your shopping directly in the middle of the forest and for that you have to know the plants, the trees and everything around you so as not to pick up a devil’s shit or die of poisoning. But it will also be necessary to recognize animal tracks in order to differentiate a North American bear from a raccoon just by tasting its stool.


9. Supply your camp with fresh water

In order to be able to water your crops and drink it is essential to be near a water point. If you are not able to live on the edge of a lake or a river, it is absolutely necessary to manage the technique of the dowsing stick or find a way to divert water from a source by digging large trenches, even if it must dry out an entire city and cause thousands of people to die. Survivalism is every man for himself.


10. Find a means of transport that imposes

Moving around in the forest or the jungle can take time, like a lot of time, and you risk damaging your little shoes. It is recommended to train animals to serve as your means of transport and incidentally to become your friends. Take animals that impose a minimum, such as bears and tigers, if possible take both elsewhere.


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