At Topito we all have different backgrounds, that’s why we sometimes give you the keys to do an unknown job, like becoming a guru of a sect. Today I’m going to pass on some of my useless knowledge to help you with the project of becoming a sheriff in a small town where there are things that are out of the ordinary, like the town of Hawkins in Stranger Things for example. With this little guide you will not only be able to survive but also stand out from the other cops, those who eat donuts while listening to country music while everyone is being eaten by monsters.
1. Find good assistants (preferably fearless 12-year-olds)
It’s a safe bet that in a small town you’ll be in a reduced team with an old cop a few days from retirement who does nothing and a young man completely unsuited to his job who has been placed there because he is the nephew of the mayor. Find people who can work well and cheaply, like a bunch of four 12-year-olds who ride bikes and have no sense of danger.
2. Be either completely alcoholic or against all forms of drink while on duty
There are two schools of thought when it comes to being sheriff in a small town with a death rate far exceeding that of the inhabitants: drink a lot or never drink. In fact, it depends on your past, you may have sunk into the demons of alcohol after the affair of little Brittany, who disappeared 15 years ago and which still haunts you. Or you can just refuse to drink, but in that case do it with class by saying “never during Barnaby’s service”. If ever the server is called Barnaby, otherwise it’s useless.
3. Never take supernatural testimonials seriously.
– I assure you Mr. Sheriff, my husband was torn apart by a scary monster with huge tentacles
Yeah, we’re not doing it to you, that stupid husband probably got stuck in his garage door, those things kill a bunch of people every year. Anyway, if you have to listen to all the crazy people in the area, you haven’t finished scribbling in your notebook. Close this case without follow-up.
4. Above all, do not practice shooting
If you’re too handy with your service weapon, you might end up screwing up a bunch of investigations, which is fine, but you might also find that there’s a damn monster that’s killing the townspeople because you’ll succeed. to hit him. And then what do you think will happen? You will lose your mind because your whole vision of the world will crumble and you will never again be able to live this quiet and idyllic little life of a hardened bachelor who drives in a 4X4. Better to miss your target and continue to believe that it was a boar that killed the Wilsons on their farm and not a super-powered alien.
5. Let people live their lives, even if they seem to you to be in danger
Did you just come across two teenagers smooching in the middle of the woods where a mysterious killer murdered fifteen people exactly fifteen years ago? Bill Braxton, the friendly old woodcutter, just passed in front of you in a pick-up truck while shouting out loud “they’re going to kill me, the aliens are going to kill me!” »? A group of young people are having a picnic in the middle of the night by the lake located close to the old abandoned psychiatric hospital? Leave them alone, in this kind of case it is better not to be too zealous.
6. Do not investigate this old haunted house where eight teenagers disappeared in two days
Yes this old barrack is shady, yes a dozen testimonies say that you can hear screams there at night, yes several people have disappeared there in the last two days, but stick to your version while you address the population of the city scared: these young people simply left to do jihad in Syria, nothing to do with all these proofs and testimonies that point to the house.
7. Gain respect by shooting first and asking questions later
If you’re dealing with someone suspicious (which usually means someone Russian in the American series) don’t be fooled and shoot directly in the knee before doing your interrogation. Already, you will get your answers faster, but in addition people will respect you because they will see that you take their safety to heart. At least when you are in front of a potential communist, less when it comes to a killer or a monster.
8. Get to know every local
It’s super important to know everything about your neighbors, and above all it’s your role. Already it will prevent you from getting up at 3 a.m. when you are called to bring the pillars of bars home because you will know in advance that they will come out immediately to get the hell out of you, but in addition it will allow you to know the good ones files on the people you want to blackmail. Being a sheriff is all about enforcing the law, but there have to be some perks.
9. Choose a stylish dress style
Wear a hat, cowboy boots, grow a mustache, put on a denim or suede jacket, chew tobacco or chain your cigarettes… In short, choose a style that gives you class and commands respect from the slightly stupid inhabitants. of this shitty little town.
10. After a long and exhausting day at work, play the guitar on the porch of your wooden house.
You deserved it, with all those jerks who stop by the police station to say that their dog got its ass stuck in a manhole or to report a new missing person, you don’t have a second to you. That’s what’s boring in a small town, everyone knows you. Your little haven of peace is that moment when you play the guitar looking into the distance while your Labrador dozes at your feet. Not fucking doing anything else, but you love this dog.