As said I don’t know who ” The best is the enemy of good “. I had never really understood this concept (rightly estimating that 100,000 balls is still much more fun than 10,000!) until I came across these company movements. Advocate the “well-being” of employees, and win the trophy for the cringest companies of the century. Help. Let’s settle for a breakfast offered on Monday morning, it’s more than enough and much more positive than all this weird stuff!
1. Amazon’s “Positive Thoughts” Breaks
Amazon has launched a series of health and wellness programs called WorkingWell. Objective: to prevent injuries at work, and particularly in the giant’s warehouses and distribution centres. In the warehouses, between two 50 kg boxes to be lifted, the employees therefore have the immense chance of seeing a short positive and inspiring sentence displayed on a screen. Above the image, a stopwatch of a few seconds. A pause yes, but not more than 30 seconds! You don’t have to mess around anyway.
2. The concept of “traces”
A sweet cocktail based on two ingredients: telework and vacation. We fuck the two together, we stir the grub, and hop: it makes traces. Basically, it’s going to a heavenly place, but spending the day with your nose glued to your screen, responding to the boss’s requests. Yippee, too “well-being” all that!
3. Those who use “Cocoworker”
Whooooooo? You do not know this fabulous application? Olalala, but let me explain! Cocoworker is a corporate platform, on which employees are encouraged to post positive messages DAILY, of congratulations or encouragement, to their kind colleagues. In the event that the relationship between two people is strained, it is strongly recommended that they post an apology message directly on the platform, in view of all the other employees of the box. Purpose of the app: “creating positive emotions such as gratitude, admiration and compassion over time”. So much healthier and more balanced than a simple discussion with peers, in complete privacy and without informing each employee of each other’s stories. The anguish.
4. Aetna distributing connected watches to employees to monitor their sleep
Aetna is an American insurance company that has decided to interfere in the sleep of its employees for their “well-being” in order to make them “more productive at work”. NICE. The box has therefore decided to distribute bracelets connected to each of the employees, so that they are able to prove that they have indeed succeeded in chaining 20 nights of sleep. If they succeed, they are then entitled to a bonus of $25 per night, capped at $500 per year. How is this particularly intrusive and unhealthy covert surveillance???
5. A Chinese company imposes 10,000 steps a day on its employees
So there, it is clearly no longer a question of choice or premium, but an obligation. If employees do not perform their 10,000 weekly steps (7.5 km on average), they are then punished and must perform 50 to 100 push-ups to be forgiven. Well-being in its purest form, in short.
6. Scania organizes employee privacy
Scania is a transport company, which has set up a monitoring program for its employees 24 hours a day. It is the company itself which organizes the schedule for employees in their free time, in particular by imposing on them walking sessions, appointments with psychologists or behavioral experts, or even which manages their access to the sport room. But still…
7. A Chicago school punishes teachers who do not respect the imposed coaching program
According to the Express article below, some teachers in Chicago have been forced to sign exhibitors to 550 euros in fines if they do not comply with the health coaching program imposed on them. In particular, they are subjected to measurements of their cholesterol level, their blood pressure or their fat mass.
8. Erika Lust’s Swedish company offers little masturbation breaks
The Swedish company produces pornographic films, which may explain a certain open-mindedness on issues of sexual well-being in the workplace (which is not common, you will grant me). The boss has therefore decided to leave a few minutes a day to each of her 36 employees, to go fiddle with the noodle with complete impunity, and this, in a dedicated room. You know the moment when you get up and say “I’m coming right now, I’m just going to pee first”? Well, it’s normal to hear “I’m coming right away, I’m just going to touch myself first!” “. Normal.
9. Mark Zukerberg gives free will to these employees, and allows them to fire themselves
As it is too meugnoooooon! Faced with Meta’s poorer figures in 2022, Mark Zuckerberg simply decided to let his employees be the judge of their own work, and to self-dismiss if they deemed their work not performing well enough. That’s great for self-confidence! Well done Mark!
10. Overall, all companies that give positive management advice on Linkedin
“Gnagnagnaaaa this morning I arrived late because I didn’t hear my alarm clock, and my manager replied “it’s because you’re tired that you can’t get up. Go back and rest! I leave you your day” gnagnagnaaaaaaaaaa, that’s modern management! » Blurp. It disgusts me. LinkedIn = hell on earth.